Rejection vs. Redirection

Rejection is hard.

It’s inevitable.

It’s the worst.

Rejection feels personal. Whether in business, in a relationship, or even sometimes as simple as something not being in stock at the grocery store – it can feel like an all personal attack. We’re being told no because of something we did, or said, or we just aren’t “lucky; or, in the case of a relationship or being passed over for a promotion, we being to tell ourselves we’re not lovable, we’re not good enough, we aren’t worthy.

Rejection can make the most thick-skinned of us take a moment to regroup. For those of us a little less seasoned or perhaps some of us in a specifically vulnerable state, rejection can make us run away feeling small.

Personally, as one of the 20 million Americans currently unemployed, I have been feeling a lot of rejection lately. Every time I hear a “NO” in any form, it feels like another stab at my self-worth. And it isn’t limited to my own misfortune. Right now, anyone that I care about – their struggles seem like my failure.

I realize that’s a grand, and perhaps dramatic perspective, but it doesn’t make the feeling any less real. This pandemic has amplified consequences and I am having to take a step back and really focus on what feelings are genuine and which are conflated due to global events.

So, being the fan of list making that I am, I made a list of all the ways I’ve felt rejected over the past 3 months. Turns out, misery really does loves company, because once I started listing a few, I felt justified in continuing the pity party and small inconveniences now glared at me from the page as life changing atrocities.

But that’s OK, because I knew I was the only one going to look at this list. To borrow a line from Marie Forleo, I allowed myself to “Write it Rude” meaning, I wrote down everything and anything that bothered me or caused me even an twinge of inconvenience in whatever verbiage felt appropriate. This unfiltered, unedited version is my truth and honestly, I was the only one seeing this list. I began to write out everything that has been making me feel less than, insecure, broken, invalid or unworthy.

And then I walked away from the list. I turned on some music, went for a walk and then came home and had an actual meal (versus simply snacking over the sink) that I sat down to and enjoyed. It was an act of self-care and grounded me.

I knew I wanted to let some time pass, an ultimately decided to wait until the morning to revisit the list. Before I even picked it back up, I took out a sheet of paper and wrote down 3 things I was grateful for. Practicing gratitude Is always a coping mechanism for me, so it felt natural to say a small thanks before digging into everything that has made me feel bad about myself.

Then, I slowly pulled back out my rejection list. I stared at all the grievance I wrote, all the things that made me sad, angry, frustrated, defeated.

Immediately upon reviewing, several things started to drop off. Small things, things like – I wasn’t able to go for a run the other day, or I couldn’t Face Time my nieces, etc.

Focusing on seeing this list with a grateful heart and fresh set of eyes, the small things no longer felt like rejection, just life. Running is cathartic for me, but if there’s a thunder-storm happening – is that really going to make me feel better? No. I would be drenched and miserable and what is that going to do for my mood? Couldn't Face Time my nieces because they were at their grandma’s house later than expected? That’s amazing they have grandparents to love them and play with them and I can simply reschedule. These were very short-term inconveniences and writing them down allowed me to acknowledge that they dampened my mood, but now I could move on. They are over and done with an no longer a part of my day.

Now, if you’re thinking about your own possible list, moving onto the big stuff is hard – job loss, heartbreak, perhaps someone in your family is ill. These are big things and should be treated as such. Simply shouting, I’m grateful! or saying “things could be worse” won’t make them go away. It’s healthy and productive to acknowledge these things. It’s OK to say “this is hard! This is unfair! I don’t like this! “

What’s not OK is to continue to wallow in that feeling. I’ve had to take each of the big items on my list and really thing about the current outcome and how I wish it was different. Just wishing isn’t a solution, but it’s a start.

I wish I wasn’t laid-off from my job, but the reality is I was. I can sit in my rejection or I can choose to see how it is re-directing me. I haven’t been happy in my stagnate career for the better part of a year – this lay off is forcing me to take the time to find a new position. If I wasn’t let go, who knows how long I would have let the fact that I was comfortable and complacent keep me from finding a new job that I will be passionate about once again.

None of this is easy. Rejection never feels good; however, if we can find it in ourselves to take a second look at all the seemingly bad things happening to us, we may be able to see that our course is simply being re-routed for the next big thing in our life.